The other day as I was switching to another url on my home PC, I accidentally opened my son TJ's "secret journal" at livejournal.com. Curious as to what he was writing about I scrolled through some entries and when I confirmed that he was writing about his feelings and experiences I thought I'd read some more, but at the office where he would not notice me. So, I remembered the url then turned off the computer, reminding my self to get back to it the following day.
Yesterday at the office, I went back to the livejournal address and this time read through all the logs. There were over 40 entries dating back to May of last year(2004). There would have been more except that he had deleted many of them since he wanted to get rid of the past.
Reading through his blogs was depressing. Here was my eldest kid,only 19 years old and already so depressed and desperate about the way his life was going...("Life sucked" as he put it)... that he even wanted God to strike him down and end it!
When I checked the dates of his entries I understood the context of his rantings.
There was a period last year when he had a series of "failures" both in his academics and his just blossoming love life. He had failed some major subjects in Computer Science (for which I threatened him with an ultimatum that he should pass or else...) Then, there was his broken heart from the cold treatment given him by his first love and crush Steph.
What was exasperating was that he was despairing over matters that were really not wat you would categorize under:"the end of the world."
For heaven's sake I wasn't really going to kill him for failing class...mad maybe, at the waste of money...but not enough to murder my own son! In fact, he got away with a slap on the wrist because we've continued to pay for his education anyway.
I felt helpless though because the only way he could solve his problem (and he admitted this in his blogs) was for him to get out of his Charlie Brown frame of mind and things would be easier to solve! Unfortunately, he seemed to prefer wallowing in self-pity.
Good thing about this blogging online is that he was sharing his feelings with some close friends and from their responses it appears they may have given him encouragement to snap out of it and go on with his life.
I felt helpless though because the only way he could solve his problem (and he admitted this in his blogs) was for him to get out of his Charlie Brown frame of mind and things would be easier to solve! Unfortunately, he seemed to prefer wallowing in self-pity.
Good thing about this blogging online is that he was sharing his feelings with some close friends and from their responses it appears they may have given him encouragement to snap out of it and go on with his life.
Although sometimes I didn't fully agree with their own attitudes towards life.
The other good thing I noted was that TJ could write well and express himself. His blogs, though not your daily perk me up thoughts for the day, were interesting.
The sad thing about it was that I was supposed to be there for him when these things happened ... and I wasn't.
I emailed my wife about my discovery and forwarded the address to her. After some time she emailed back saying she felt like a failure as a parent.
Later on when we were together in the gym, I told her not to worry for now because when I checked TJs entries he had not posted anymore depressing thoughts from January to May this year. At least this was a good sign for me.
So again, what has this world come to,that I have to find out about my kids through the Internet, and not through face to face communication as I thought it should be.
This was not the first time this happened too.
One time we were both online, he on his computer upstairs and I on our PC downstairs, when I decided to send him an Audible message through Yahoo Messenger. This started a series of silly exchanges between us but after a while he started opening up to me...through the Internet!
He told me about his latest crush Karlah and even showed me her photo. This was not your usual way of having a father and son talk... but it worked.
James, my second son, was another one of my kids I got to know more about through the net.
He had been using my laptop at the office for sending messages to his Friendster and like what happened to my discovery of TJ's journal I accidentally opened James' account.
From the testimonials given by his friends, I learned the following things about James:
1. At school he was known as "Tacho."
2. He was a good friend to many,fun to be with and regarded as a buddy who would always be there for you.
3. He must've lent many of his friends money because they praised him for that.
4. He had a reputation for being a good bass player!(Hayop sa bass!) And to think he just took up bass in about a year.
5. He regards himself as not your intellectual type (doesn't read too many books) but he's serious about life...and his music. (I didn't recognize the musicians he idolized though...so they must be rockers)
Owel (that's TJcomputerese for "Oh well") if the net helps me know more about my kids and helps me raise them up better...who's complaining?
Now, I wonder where Tasha's secret journal is...
The other good thing I noted was that TJ could write well and express himself. His blogs, though not your daily perk me up thoughts for the day, were interesting.
The sad thing about it was that I was supposed to be there for him when these things happened ... and I wasn't.
I emailed my wife about my discovery and forwarded the address to her. After some time she emailed back saying she felt like a failure as a parent.
Later on when we were together in the gym, I told her not to worry for now because when I checked TJs entries he had not posted anymore depressing thoughts from January to May this year. At least this was a good sign for me.
So again, what has this world come to,that I have to find out about my kids through the Internet, and not through face to face communication as I thought it should be.
This was not the first time this happened too.
One time we were both online, he on his computer upstairs and I on our PC downstairs, when I decided to send him an Audible message through Yahoo Messenger. This started a series of silly exchanges between us but after a while he started opening up to me...through the Internet!
He told me about his latest crush Karlah and even showed me her photo. This was not your usual way of having a father and son talk... but it worked.
James, my second son, was another one of my kids I got to know more about through the net.
He had been using my laptop at the office for sending messages to his Friendster and like what happened to my discovery of TJ's journal I accidentally opened James' account.
From the testimonials given by his friends, I learned the following things about James:
1. At school he was known as "Tacho."
2. He was a good friend to many,fun to be with and regarded as a buddy who would always be there for you.
3. He must've lent many of his friends money because they praised him for that.
4. He had a reputation for being a good bass player!(Hayop sa bass!) And to think he just took up bass in about a year.
5. He regards himself as not your intellectual type (doesn't read too many books) but he's serious about life...and his music. (I didn't recognize the musicians he idolized though...so they must be rockers)
Owel (that's TJcomputerese for "Oh well") if the net helps me know more about my kids and helps me raise them up better...who's complaining?
Now, I wonder where Tasha's secret journal is...
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